We have been talking
the past 2 weeks about how we can have a happier new year. So far we have talked about 5 things; being a
generous giver, being connected with other believers, setting goals, not
comparing yourself with others and gratitude.
Tonight I want to finish this series of messages with 3 more factors
that have been proven both scientifically and biblically to increase the
chemicals in our brain that produce feelings of happiness.
The first factor is setting boundaries.
A boundary serves three purposes, it defines our personal choices and
limitations, it provides protection for us from people who try to take
advantage of us or abuse us and it helps us focus on what is important to us
that we want to accomplish.
Boundaries
help us define our personal choices and behaviors that we want to live by each
day. We need to establish moral principles based on the Bible as to how we will
conduct ourselves, what is permissible, honorable, healthy and honoring to God
and to the people we interact.
R.C. Sproul uses the
term Coram Deo to help define have we are to live. It means to ‘Live before the face of
God’. Our lives are lived in the
presence of God, before his face. He
observes everything we do and knows every thought we have. What we choose to do must be in alignment to
what he has revealed to us. We live
under his authority because he governs our lives. All that we do must bring glory and honor to
him. As we establish our personal
boundaries of how we will live our lives we must always keep these three things
in mind.
We have many
examples in the Scriptures of men and women who established boundaries
regarding how they would live their lives.
Job is one man who was considered a righteous man and when you read his
story you get a better understanding of the boundaries he established and
committed himself to live by.
Some
scholars believe that the story of Job happened before Moses received the 10
commandments. The principles by which he
lived must have been passed down to him.
Job when he was going
through his time of testing was falsely accused of doing evil things by the 3
friends who were certain that his trials were a result of things he had said
and done that deserved punishment. Job
defended his integrity by stating the boundaries he had established in his life
regarding his conduct with others.
31:1–4. Sexual morality. Covenant with mine eyes conveys the
truth that lustful acts are preceded by lustful looks and thoughts. Job
determined in his heart to exercise the will power necessary not to think
lustful thoughts about young maidens. He disciplined himself not to take the
second look that leads to lust. The verb used here does not mean to “glance
briefly,” but rather to “gaze, stare or look intently.”
5–8. Business ethics. The word vanity here would be
better translated deceitfulness, lying, falsehood or trickery and probably has
reference to deceptive or dishonest business practices. Verse 7 seems to imply
taking bribes or some other unethical way of getting ahead, taking the
possessions of others, such as small objects that cleaved to mine hands.
9–12. Adultery. Job seems to imply sexual sin with
a married woman here, rather than the young maid of verse 1. If he had done
such a thing, his wife might be made the servant and concubine of another. This
is a heinous crime.
13–15. Treatment of employees. This is a remarkably enlightened
passage for the time, showing that Job knew he must answer to God for his
treatment of servants. What then shall I do when God riseth up? And when he
visiteth, what shall I answer him? They were not by nature inferior to him; the
same God made them all. Thus, Job denies having taken advantage of his servants
in any way.
16–23. Social concern. Job denies having exploited the
poor, widows, fatherless, or any other sort of disadvantaged person. To the
contrary, he asserts he has shared his goods and food with them. He also
acknowledges that all men will be judged by God concerning this very matter, as
well as other sins (vss. 23, 28).
24–25. Greed. Continuing with his rhetorical
questions as an oath of innocence, Job denies a spirit of greed concerning his
wealth in general, and gold in particular. He refutes the idea that he hoarded
wealth like a miser and used it to oppress others.
26–28. Idolatry. The worship of sun and moon is the
only matter in this chapter not directly related to interpersonal relations and
ethical standards. Some writers think that the gold and wealth of verses 24–25
should be joined to these verses as a form of idolatry. The object of our
worship is not totally unrelated to morality, however; and Job denies that he
made gold his god, or that he worshiped nature and heavenly bodies as his pagan
neighbors. If he had he would have denied the God that is above.
29–32. Generosity. Job states that he has not gloated
over the misfortunes of his enemies (vs. 29), nor wished them dead through
curse or incantation (vs. 30). It is likely that verses 31–32 refer to Job’s
hospitality to strangers and travelers. Some see a denial of any homosexual
activities ever happening in Job’s tent. The implication is that if travelers
were forced to sleep in the streets at night they might be attacked by
degenerate men. However, Job always gave them food, shelter and protection. I
opened my doors to the traveler.
33–34. Courage. Job maintains he has the inner
strength and courage to admit when he is wrong (vs. 33) and not to cover his
transgressions as Adam. He further states that neither fear of the crowd nor
peer pressure have ever kept him from speaking out against evil (vs. 34).
KJV Bible
commentary. 1997, c1994 (electronic ed.) (969). Nashville: Thomas Nelson.
Job
conducted himself in righteousness and allowed others to hold him accountable
if he had not been faithful to maintain the standards he had set. We all need to set personal boundaries on how
we will conduct ourselves based on the Word of God and be held accountable by
others. These boundaries keep us from self-destruction
and being alienated and despised by others.
Many
companies have core values that they agree to govern the conduct of their
business and interaction with the public.
These values bind the team together, bring continuity to the way they
conduct business and display to their clients what they can be held accountable
to do for them.
Personal
boundaries can protect us from giving in to temptation only if we put them into
practice. We will constantly be
presented with opportunities to give in, to fudge a little or perhaps turn our
eyes away rather than take action against things we know are not right. Having personal boundaries helps define who
we are and what we deem to be most important and nonnegotiable standards.
Many of the
houses in Guatemala are surrounded by a wall that provides protection. Vandalism is an issue thus having a high wall
with broken glass bottles or razor wire on the top serves as a deterrent to
most people but it is not 100 % guaranteed that people will not try to cross
the boundary.
In our lives we also have to construct walls that will protect us from
other people who are abusive, manipulators, selfish, and controllers.
Because we are created in the likeness and image of God we have
intrinsic value, a value that must be respected by other people. When someone tries to treat you in a way that
diminishes your value and worth, you must take a stand against them. Job’s friends did everything they could to
try to make him feel guilty and deserving of the bad things he was experiencing
but Job would not allow it. He stood
against them and opposed them because they were not being truthful.
When we are
being falsely accused or someone is trying to manipulate us to get something
out of us or shames us and tries to make us feel guilty, or behaves in a way
that is offensive to us, we have the right to make a stand against them. We have to set a boundary regarding what we
will accept or not allow them to do. If
we fail to do this we simply give them license to continue their behavior. Some people are afraid to set the boundary
because they feel that they will damage the relationship or the other person
will get mad and leave. You cannot
control the reaction of the other person but you can control what you will
accept and what the consequences will be if the behavior continues. I knew a parent who’s under age child was permitted
to drink beer and have parties in the basement of their home. The parent did not like what was happening
but was unwilling to set a boundary to not allow it to take place in the home
out of fear of losing the child plus rationalizing that it was better to have
the drinking done in the house than in a car or in public where more problems
could result. The child was already lost
in many ways and the best action was to state clearly what was not acceptable
behavior and what consequences would be given,
We are not showing respect or love for our self when we allow people to
get away with behaviors that are harmful, offensive and demeaning. We are not
helping the other person realize how their behavior is wrong and offensive if
we stay silent. They may be ignorant and
not realize what they are doing or they may not care and will do it in spite of
our opposition. We are the ones who set the boundary on what we will accept and
if that boundary is violated the violator must know that there will be
consequences if it happens again. The offending behavior must be described clearly
as to what the person is doing and you must clearly describe how it affects you
as the offended party.
The
consequences have to be more painful to the offender than the person
offended. If the consequences punish the
offended more than the offender it will be difficult to enforce. Think carefully about what the consequences
will be before you state them to the offenders.
Make sure it is clearly understood and that you are willing to enforce
it.
Many people
feel trapped in a situation as though they have no control of what is happening
and they have nowhere to go to get out of the situation. When we feel like we don’t have a choice or a
way out, we continue to allow bad behavior to go on. The truth is in most situations we do have a
choice and sometimes that choice will bring consequence to our lives that we do
not like. In Guatemala there is a lot of
abuse of women, especially wives being abused by their husbands. There are not many shelters for women and if
the woman leaves the house the challenge of finding a job that will support the
family as well as a home to live in, will be a big concern. So the choice to leave and separate from the
abuse is there but it is not an easy decision and hardships will result.
What are
some examples of boundaries that will protect you from being abused or
mistreated?
Dr. Henry Cloud lists these:
·
I
will not allow myself to be verbally abused.
If that happens, I will distance myself from the relationship until the
abuse stops.
·
I
will not allow myself to trust a liar or a cheat. The lying must stop before I trust the person
again.
·
I
will not take responsibility for the irresponsible behavior of others. If they try to get me to do their work, I
will tell them I care for them, but that it is their responsibility, not mine.
·
I
will not allow myself to be around substance abusers.
·
I
will not tolerate abuse of any kind.
·
I
will not allow myself to be constantly criticized or infected with toxic
emotional treatment that damages me. I
will address it and try to resolve it, but if the situation cannot be resolved,
I will not expose myself to it.
·
I
will not allow someone to derail me from my path of growth or my relationship
with God.
Setting boundaries not only protects us but it also helps us protect the
good things we are trying to build.
If we have a
goal of completing a project we will need to set boundaries as to how we will
use our time and boundaries to keep other people from interfering with the time
we have set aside to accomplish our task. When Nehemiah was building the wall around
Jerusalem there were men who wanted to distract him and possibly kill him. When they asked him to leave his work and
meet with them, he told them he could not come down because he was busy doing a
great work. Nehemiah 6.3
“I am doing
a great work and I cannot come down. Why should the work stop while I leave it
to come down to you?”
The Holy
Bible : New Revised Standard Version. 1989 (Ne 6:3). Nashville: Thomas Nelson
Publishers. Learning to say no is hard for many people but it is needed to help
us protect the good things we want to accomplish. This is not selfishness because the purpose
of achieving the goal is to be a benefit not only to myself but to others who
will be able to gain through my accomplishment.
A second factor in increasing our happiness is happy people have a
calling.
“Researchers
write that when it comes to how people look at their work, there are three
kinds of people;
1. Those who see their work as a ‘job’, with its
main purpose being to provide a living
2. Those who
see their work as a ‘career.’ With the purpose of advancement upward on a path;
and
3. Those who
see their work as a ‘calling,’ with the higher purpose of contributing to the
larger good and for the intrinsic benefit and experience of the work itself.”
God has
gifted each one of us to be able to do specific things well.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ
Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in
them.
When we are walking
in or using those gifts he has given us for his purposes we are doing his work
fulfilling his plan, fulfilling the ‘calling’ on our life. We often separate secular from spiritual but
this is not correct. We see people in
full time ministry and call that spiritual work. People involved in other types of work are
viewed as doing secular work and this is wrong.
Everything comes from God and if we are using the gifts he has given us
to fulfill his work we are doing spiritual work, we are doing what God created
us to do. The work that we do brings
glory to him as we work in a manner that pleases him. When we are using our gifts there is a sense
of happiness that we experience. If we
do not view our work as a calling from God perhaps we are not viewing our work
through the eyes of God or we are not working in an area of our gifting. Our calling is usually in line with the
things that we are passionate about doing.
When we do them we are energized and time seems to fly by. Happy is the person who is able to find the
place where they can use their gifts all the time.
Our calling
always includes being a blessing to other people. We will find satisfaction personally when we
are operating in our gifts but the greater joy comes in being able to use those
gifts to be a blessing to other people.
God is interested in people and as we gain his heart and compassion for
people the focus of our life will change and the purpose of work will go beyond
making a paycheck. When I see the
benefit of doing my job for the good of other people I will find greater
happiness in what I do. I see this
happen when people come to Guatemala on mission trips and they are able to use
their gifts to benefit others. Building a
home, providing for the physical needs of people, teaching and training to improve
their health and job prospects, providing spiritual guidance etc. bring joy to
them as well as the people who they help.
Your
happiness will increase when you find your passion, find your place and focus
on serving people with your gifts and talents.
The final factor we will talk about
tonight is being engaged wholeheartedly in what you do.
Our level of happiness increases when we are doing the things we enjoy
with all our heart. We have all been in
situations where either we personally or someone in our group was not full
engaged in the work. We were there in
body but not in our total commitment to the work. We may have stood back and let others do the
work because we were not interested or a little fearful and we did not want to
engage in what was happening. Paul said,
Col 3.17 And
whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through him.
When we do
something in his name, it should represent the same way he would do it.
When we are fully engaged in what we are
doing we experience greater joy and enter into what has been called ‘the
flow’. When we are in the flow time
passes quickly because we are fully engaged in what we are doing. It is as
though we enter another dimension of life.
To get into the flow, researcher Mihaly
Csikszentmihalyi found that a combination of things were necessary.
1. The
activities must be both challenging but also something that we could do.
2. We need
to have clear goals and be fully focused and concentrate to achieve them.
3. We have
to know what is expected and know how we are doing.
4. We need
to lose ourselves and a sense of time
We have to
choose activities that we enjoy as well as activities that will stretch us or
push us to increase our abilities. This
involves an element of risk as we venture into new areas. Maybe coming to Guatemala has been one of the
stretching activities that you have experienced. Living in a different culture, learning a new
language and the customs of the people all present challenges that we face on a
daily basis. But there is also great joy
in being fully engaged in the work, not waiting for something else to happen or
just passing time. Giving your all,
being wholehearted is the only way to really enjoy the benefits of working as
unto the Lord.
As we begin
this New Year, I pray that God will lead you into areas and activities that you
can truly experience the ‘flow’. Find
your passion and put yourself in new situations and circumstances where you
will be challenged to use the gifts or further develop the gifts God has given
you. Don’t waste your life doing things
that simply pass time, are the easiest things to do and produce no eternal
benefit. Be fully engaged in your work,
do it as unto the Lord and not unto man.
Ask God to give you creative ideas on how you can use your gifts to be a
blessing to other people. Invest in
yourself, take up a challenge, pursue something new or fulfill a desire that
you have always had and see what God will do in you and through you.
In closing we looked at three more factors
that will increase your happiness in the New Year. Let’s put them into practice
and enjoy the life God has destined for us.
1. Establish boundaries to keep you in line with
biblical values, protect yourself from people who want to make life difficult
for you and help you stay focused on what you want to accomplish.
2. Find and operate in your calling that matches
your gifts and talents.
3. Give yourself wholeheartedly to the work God
has given you and continually challenge and stretch yourself to improve and discover
new areas where you can be a blessing to others.
